January 12, 2010

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Since we had a snow day today, I finally watched On the Waterfront. Here’s my interpretation:

On the Waterfront (Abridged)

Scene 1: Terry and Edie walk home

Terry: You used to be really ugly but now you’re ok.
Edie:  I think I’m in love.

Scene 2 The Doyle Home

Pop Doyle: I deformed myself for you. Go back to the nuns.

Edie: But I want to stick around to see what this strange thug wants with me…I mean, avenge my brother’s murder.

Scene 3 The Roof

Terry: See, pigeons are like your brother. And hawks are like Johnny Friendly. And sometimes “hawks” kill “pigeons.”

Edie: I sure wish I knew who killed my brother.

Scene 4: Terry and Edie on a date

Terry: You sure are dopey. What’s the matter with you?

Edie: Well for starters my brother died two days ago…

Terry: Just kidding. You’re ok. Here, have some beer. (Force beer down her throat.)

Edie: Wow, when you stop insulting me, you sure are nice!

Terry: What? I don’t know anything about your brother’s murder!

Edie: I’m leaving. (Tries to leave but gets confused by finding people in her way). I guess I can’t do anything without your help.

Terry: Now you’re talking. Here, have some gum.

Edie: Hey, I do feel better. (They proceed to get drunk and crash a wedding.)

Man: The boss wants to see you and you’d better go.

Terry: Ok I’ll be right there.

Edie: Who was that?

Terry: I have no idea.  But it definitely didn’t have anything to do with your brother’s murder, which I don’t know anything about.

Men: You need to come to court to tell us all that stuff you know about her brother’s murder.

Edie: I’m beginning to think you know something about my brother’s murder.

Terry: You’re driving me crazy! Why don’t you just leave? Why are you even here?

Edie: I’m leaving.

Terry: Wait, where are you going?

Scene 5: The Roof

Edie: Here, please wear this other jacket. I’m sick of that plaid one you wear in every single scene.

Scene 6: On the Waterfront

Father Barry: Don’t you have a conscience?

Terry: Ew no. Those things are annoying.

Father Barry: Hey, here comes Edie. Why don’t you tell her you killed her brother.

Terry: Sure why not? (To Edie) Here, come over to this teetering pile of rocks so I can give you some bad news.

Edie: This is a really bad place to have a conversation. I can’t really hear what you’re saying, but I’m still horrified.

Priest: Huh, that didn’t go well. I wonder what went wrong?

Scene 7 The Roof

Terry: Hey, 8 year old, what do you think I should do?

Kid: I like pigeons.

Terry (to federal agent): Did you know I’m a corrupt boxer who throws fights for my mob friends? Here let me show you exactly how I do it.

Scene 8 The Doyle Home

Terry: Edie, let me in!

Edie: No! I’m in my nightie. Also I hate you.

Terry: Sure you hate me now, but what if I break down your door, accost you in your underwear and kiss you into submission?

Edie: Works for me.

Terry: Wait, I hear someone from the mob calling me the same way they called your brother. Let me look out the same window and then foolishly rush down the same way he did.

Woman: There sure are a lot of people dying this way.


Edie: I wish everything could be peaceful and nonviolent.

Terry: It will be…after I crush their skulls.

Scene 9: Court

Terry gives testimony against the mob.

Mob: Huh…maybe we should have killed him, who we suspected might talk, instead of his brother, who was on our side.

Johnny Friendly: I’ll kill you.

Scene 10:

Terry (to police protection): Would you quit following me? It’s annoying, and it’s not like anyone is going to kill me or anything.

(The roof)

Kid: I killed your pigeon. It’s symbolic.

Edie: Let’s move to a farm and get a cow. Are you even listening to me? You never listen to me. You’re such a stupid man.

Terry: Everyone thinks I’m stupid. Well I’m going to prove I’m not by going right down to confront the people who are all trying to kill me.

Scene 11: On the Waterfront

Dock Workers: Hey Terry! Thanks for standing up for justice like we asked you to. But go away.

Johnny Friendly: For some reason I am not in jail, but I’m gonna kill that kid.

Mob men: Ok we’ll help you.

Johnny Friendly: What are you crazy? We can’t kill him. We need to obey the law.

Dock workers: Fight, fight, fight!

Man: Oh yeah, he used to be a boxer!

Terry: Yeah but I lost, remember.

(Everything works out)

Edie: Oh good. Now I can marry an uneducated dock worker, forget my dreams of becoming a teacher, and live in a cramped apartment with pigeons on the roof.

The End


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